Revolutionary Girl Luna
by Luan Mao
Summary: The Rose Bride is there to be won, and nothing will get in Luna's way!


Here we have yet another story which was supposed to be a Midget but which grew. _Sigh_. As may be expected from stories posted on a fanfic site, this is a fan fic and I don't own the characters, situations, and such.

**Revolutionary Girl Luna**

Luna entered the Great Hall in time for lunch on September 5. She and her father had returned late from an expedition due to … difficulties. The last bit of difficulty was caused by foolish border guards who thought they could stop fearless adventurers. Nothing stopped a Lovegood! A Lovegood's chief weapon was unpredictability and relentlessness. A Lovegood's two weapons were unpredictability, relentlessness, and indifference to conventional mores. A Lovegood's three—

Luna shook her head to break that train of thought. Something was happening in the Great Hall. Something that looked like a fight. A pair of girls were – no, that was Draco Malfoy and a girl with short, blonde hair. Perhaps that was Draco and _another_ girl with short, blond hair? If Draco had been born a girl, or possibly had been born a boy but had chosen to become a girl, it would explain a lot, including keeping the boys in her year in line, no doubt through sexual enslavement. Although Luna did question Draco's – Dracina's – taste. All of the Slytherin boys smelled, some bad enough to melt nose hairs.

Luna shook her head again. Dracina's plumbing, proclivities, promiscuity, and proboscis were not the important part here. The important part was that there was a fight and the professors doing nothing but watching from the head table.

Less a fight than a duel, it appeared. A trained observer like Luna, the very model of a modern major journalo, with information vegetable, animal, and min— Luna shook her head again. What had she been thinking about? Right, the duel. The unknown blonde girl had just smacked Dracina head over heels with a spell and then contemptuously flung a flower in her face. She then exchanged a few words with a professor before grabbing… before grabbing… Harry Potter's hand? It was a slim, dark-haired person, at any rate, and she rushed him, her, or possibly it out the hall's other door. Very strange. Luna's reporterly instincts were twitching. Hurry, Watson, the game is afoot!

Shaking her head sharply again, Luna staggered her way to the head table to tell Professor Flitwick that she'd returned. She was oh so grateful to Hermione for the tip on staying focused, but it did tend to cause dizziness when she had too many thoughts intruding in her head. Not that dizziness was necessarily a problem. When her eyes were going every which way except the way her face was pointed, she got the most amazing glimpses of the elusive Floating Umlaut.

"Professor, after an arduous beginning leading to a calamitous denouement punctuated by egregious foolishness and at last a glad homecoming, I have returned. Might I have my schedule? And, switching hats, would you mind filling me in on the fight or duel that just took place? What was the cause, what were the terms, and what lapse of ministerial judgment allowed duels among students? For that matter, how is it that Headmaster Dumbledore has permitted it? Speaking on the record would be much preferred but I would understand if you prefer to remain anonymous to provide background information, a latter-day Deep Throat, if you would, though I hope we both understand there will be no deep throating involved in exchange for any information.

Flitwick looked taken aback by the burst of questions and innuendo, but gamely stepped up to the challenge. "Attempting to take your questions in order, Miss Lovegood, I don't have a schedule for you for the afternoon, but I'm sure Miss Glossop will allow you to copy hers; I believe you signed up for the same electives as she."

Luna concealed a frown. She suspected Glossop was one of the less pleasant aspects of life at Hogwarts, considering that last year she'd had a pair of shoes that looked remarkably like a pair that Luna had lost on the second day of school. Luna shook her head, but only slightly so as not to be rude while her head of house was talking to her. Less than fully helpful though he appeared to be in his role as Head of House, it was possible that Professor Flitwick had more pressing matters on his mind, such as not being caught by Minister Fudge's bakers. Luna shook her head again, a bit more firmly, in time to keep up with what her professor was saying.

"As for the duel, it was a part of a new tournament which was announced at the opening feast. Participants duel for the right to possess the Rose Bride during the tournament and for the power to revolutionize the world at the conclusion. Ah, what next? Oh, Headmaster Dumbledore is no longer with us, and the ministry's judgment does seem questionable, not only in allowing duels but in promising a power which apparently would overthrow their power. That is all I know, Miss Lovegood. Perhaps your investigations will turn up something more."

...ooo000ooo...

Despite the bother of classes, bathing, and sleeping, it took Luna Lovegood, ace reporter, barely half a day to gather up all available information on the new tournament. Professor Flitwick had been correct in everything he told her, leaving out only a few minor details. And one _overwhelmingly important_ detail, she discovered.

As for the big question, _why_ the ministry would be doing such an idiotic thing…

Rumors were going around that someone had crushed idiot pills and slipped them into the refreshments at a meeting of the minister and department heads. Luna's father had long ago proven that the ministry leadership took idiot pills on a regular basis, but everyone knew that they had to be swallowed whole for proper effect. If you crushed the pill before swallowing it, an overwhelming wave of idiocy would overwhelm you and cause you to do overwhelmingly idiotic things.

Luna paused in reviewing her notes. Her overuse of "overwhelming" was, well, overwhelming. _Not_ what one would expect of the lead investigative reporter of the _Quibbler_… or soon-to-be lead reporter, once she overthrew the pretender currently occupying _her_ position. Beloved father or not, he was going down!

Luna shook her head sharply and got her thoughts back on track. The ministry was run by idiots, more so lately than usual. That was not important. She needed to talk to Harry. Wanted to, as well. _Needed_ to, professionally. All the clues said that he had information. _Wanted_ to, personally. He was practically the only person who'd been nice to her just because he wanted to, and he was a boy, and he didn't tower over her regrettably below-average frame, and she thought she might hint, in a suitably demure way, that she would be receptive to him asking her out on a date.

Putting action to words, or putting action to thought, as she hadn't actually said out loud what she planned to do – that would be rather silly, talking to herself in an unoccupied room, unoccupied except for herself, that is, and if anyone saw her talking to herself they'd probably think she was a few gobstones short of a set, except of course no one would see her because the room was empty, except for herself, it would be hard to talk to herself in an empty room if she weren't there—

Luna shook her head several times, enough that she caught a glimpse of an Umlaut near the top of her right eye. That was a close call. She'd almost fallen into an infinite cognitive spiral.

Harry was found at the doorway of an unused classroom, appearing to be in rather less than peak condition.

"Hello, Harry. I'd hoped to see you. I must say, you're looking rather disheveled and dehydrated."

"Hi, Luna, nice to see you, too. Yes, I've, ah, I've been worked pretty hard for the past few days."

"That's interesting phrasing, which prompts me to put on my reporter hat, temporarily replacing my single-young-female-who-would-certainly-be-interested-in-a-date-if-a-charming-young-man-were-to-ask-her hat. Only temporarily replacing, mind you, as my non-reporter self is very interested in talking to you about, say, weekend plans." Luna was very happy with how that came out. Demure, but not too demure.

"I'll be happy to talk to you any time I can, but it might be difficult to arrange. I've barely had a minute to myself since the opening feast. Stupid tournament. Stupid ministry. Stupid prize."

Before Reporter Luna could dig in to these fascinating statements, the sounds of spell casting from the classroom, which she hadn't really noticed before, ended. Luna looked in when Harry did, just in time to see a witch, a Seventh Year Slytherin she vaguely recognized, throw a yellow rose down on her vanquished opponent.

"Come along, Potter," the older witch said. "I don't know how long I'll be able to keep you, so you need to get right to work."

"Hold on a minute, Davis," Harry replied. "I haven't recovered yet. I'll talk with my friend here until I'm ready for you to put me to work."

The newly-identified Davis looked at Luna suspiciously. "Lovegood, right? Lo-o-o-o-ovegood. I don't think I like the sound of that. Nothing doing, Potter. I won, you're my prize, and the rules say the winner gets to sleep with the Rose Bride until someone else wins a duel. It doesn't say the sleeping has to be at night, so get moving!"

Harry bowed his head in defeat, or maybe to get a look down the front of Davis's robes, which were hanging rather loose following the exertion of her duel, and went away with her, muttering, "Stupid tournament. Stupid rules. Stupid ministry. Kick Dumbledore's ass," as he went.

Yes, this was indeed something for Luna to investigate. Not only Luna Lovegood, intrepid reporter, but Luna Lovegood, dateless witch who had to get to the bottom of this if she wanted Harry to get to her bottom.

...ooo000ooo...

A bit of questioning, a bit of bribery, and a teensy tiny bit of extortion got Luna an official copy of the tournament rules. This was worse than she'd thought! The headmaster was supposed to provide a daughter as the Rose Bride, the prize of a dueling tournament among Hogwarts students. Dumbledore had no daughter, nor wife, niece, or third cousin once removed. Harry, popularly viewed as the protégé of the headmaster, was unwillingly made to fill the position.

And with Dumbledore gone, there was no one with the gravitas to tell the ministry how foolish they were being.

It made sense, as much as anything about this made sense, to exclude Harry from the dueling, as there would be no point in holding the tournament if he were to participate. They might as well give him the prize on the first day. But that would be pointless, of course, as Harry was the prize, at least the interim prize until the end of the tournament, and he couldn't win himself. No, he couldn't win himself and then order him to sleep with himself.

Oh, if only Luna were the Rose Bride and Harry were in the tournament. He'd win every match, no doubt about that, no doubt at all, just like there was no doubt that he would then order her to his bed when it was time to sleep, claim his prize, his willing prize…

Luna could have shaken her head to get her thoughts back on track, but this daydream was too alluring.

… Mmm, a night with Harry. Every night, just her and Harry. If only she were the prize…

Luna's eyes popped open.

...ooo000ooo...

The next morning a new contestant entered the tournament and immediately began cutting a swath through the other contenders.

And when they went down, they went down hard. They wouldn't be getting back up any time soon, wouldn't be winning any duels or even attempting any duels.

Several other competitors entered the tournament at the same time. Oddly, they all protested that they hadn't entered and didn't want to be caught up in the duels. Too bad for them, their participation was magically compelled.

They went down _harder_.

It might have been coincidence that all of the new entries were Ravenclaw girls in Luna's year or the one above or the one below. It might have been…

Harry was present for Luna's first victory. At the end of the duel, two seconds after the start of the duel, Luna went to claim her prize.

"I saw the other contestants were flinging down roses, Harry. I don't have any roses, and I would rather offer you a more personal flower. Tonight I will give up my personal cherry blossom, with the cherry still in it."

"Tonight? You don't want to drag me to bed right away like most of the others?"

"No, I need to win several more duels right now, to make sure no one else will be attempting to take you away from me any time soon."

She was as good as her word, winning twelve more duels, putting twelve competitors into the hospital before supper, all while attending classes and eating a hearty, nutritious lunch with her prize.

That night, Harry took the cherry Luna offered him, telling her it was much better than all the roses in the world. She was in such a good mood the next morning that she almost didn't brutally beat down four more opponents before breakfast.

Only "almost". She glanced over before they started, and saw Harry waiting to be claimed by the victor. That redoubled her determination. It wasn't just that she was going to win, that was never in doubt, it was that she was going to so thoroughly dominate everyone else that no one would dare win another duel before the end of the tournament.

And that's just how it went. Luna had her Harry every night by right of conquest, and shortly before the end of the school year she was declared the winner and awarded the final prize, the "power to revolutionize the world".

"A lifetime supply of idiot pills? How will that change the world?"

Luna stopped to think, putting on her metaphorical Revolutionary hat. Revolutionary Girl Luna's true power was outside-of-the-box thinking and ruthless determination to keep her man. Her two powers were outside-of-the-box thinking, ruthless determination to keep her man, and that thing she did with her Kegel muscles. Her three powers— Luna shook her head. This was too important. Someone might take away her Harry, after she'd won him fair and square!

Think, think, think…

"Say, Harry, do you think Hedwig is up for a trip? Would you mind her making a potentially dangerous delivery?"

"Tell me more, Luna."

Three days later, a magical ripple went through all of Great Britain, culminating with a veritable _flood_ of magic entering Harry while he was fulfilling his duty as Luna's prize. _Best sex ever!_ Luna thought about encouraging the rise of other dark lords so they could meet their ends at her and Harry's hands, if that's what it took to reproduce the effect.

"Great plan, Luna," Harry congratulated her once they'd caught their breath. "Tricking Voldemort into taking a lifetime supply of crushed idiot pills in one go. No one else could ever have thought of that."

"He did half of the work himself. He must have been an idiot already. Why else would he swallow that much powder of unknown origin, accompanied by nothing but a note saying _Dear Lord Voldemort, Please take this Power Powder to help you win. Love, an admirer_?"

"I guess so, but it was still your idea. Now tell me, my Cherry Bride, are you recovered enough to let me reward you again?"

* * *

**A/N**: _Revolutionary Girl Utena_ is a strange show, which can be understood best if you assume that the creators were tripping, or maybe that the audience was expected to be tripping. Given the nature of the show, who better than lovely Luna to step into the title role?

The _Utena_ manga, anime, and movie are pretty different, so let's say I mostly used the movie continuity for this. It's the most psychedelic.


End file.
